Summer Holidays #2

Things I learnt in South Australia:

-wine is awesome. Also port.

-South Australians are only allowed to listen to Dido. All other musical artists are banned.

-the speed limit in SA is 60k/h. Everywhere. This is because SA citizens are all born with loosely attached heads, and the authorities are afraid that if they drive too fast their heads will fall right off.

-when you go swimming at the beach, hairy men with tattoos leave laminated cards in your beach bag that say "Pete's Mobile, call or txt anytime", and a number which, out of respect for Pete, I won't include. This is the generally accepted method of courtship in SA.

-cockatoos are fucking evil.

-SA contains some lovely young people ("Pete" notwithstanding), but all the women I encountered over 50 were surly and sour. Apart from my grandma, of course.

-there is no God (imho. and Richard Dawkins').

In Your Pants

YA writer Maureen Johnson has suggested on her (hilarious but often pants-on-fire) blog that all book titles are made much better with the addition of "In Your Pants". This idea was taken up by John and Hank Green in their Brotherhood 2.0 project (check it out if you haven't already).

Here are some favourites from my bookshelves:

Robert Cormier's I Am The Cheese In Your Pants

Robin Klein's People Might Hear You In Your Pants

Robert Holdstock's Unknown Regions In Your Pants

Eugene O'Neill's The Iceman Cometh In Your Pants

Isobelle Carmody's The Gathering In Your Pants

Susan Coolidge's What Katy Did In Your Pants

Vikram Seth's A Suitable Boy In Your Pants

Inga Clendinnen's Dancing With Strangers In Your Pants

Georgette Heyer's Bath Tangle In Your Pants

A A Milne's Now We Are Six In Your Pants

5 Reasons I am Proud to be an Australian

1. Tim Flannery is the Australian of the Year.

2. Not a member of the Irwin family.

3. Crowded House is reforming.

4. Despite living in a country where we are banned from taking our national flag to rock concerts because idiots might use them as an excuse to beat people up, we must be proud that we live somewhere it is entirely possible to sell your life on eBay.

5. We may have a nasty water crisis going on, but things aren't so bad that we have to breed giant rabbits in order to survive, like North Korea:

Summer Holidays #1

Your valiant heroine (me) is snorkelling around the pier at Portsea. Under the water, there are:
-weedy sea dragons (awesome)
-puffer-fish
-stargazer fish
-cuttlefish
-etc

Above the water (on the pier) there are:
-entirely obnoxious, tanned, bleached-blonde, overly muscularly developed, (did I say obnoxious?) teenagers who clearly think they are living in the OC.

One of said obnoxious teenagers (a boy) suddenly yells out to me:

Kid: Lady! Lady! Get out of the water! Now!

Lili: ??

Kid: There's a stingray! There's a stingray! Right under you! Get out of the water!

Lili: (looks down into water through snorkel) Actually, there's two stingrays.

Kid: (nearly wetting himself which would sadly ruin his expensively distressed board-shorts) !!! Get out!!!! It will kill you!!!

Lili: It will not kill me.

Kid: It will! It will! Get out!

Lili: It. Will. Not. Kill. Me.

Kid: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lili: Kid, how old are you?

Kid: 14.

Lili: (takes a moment to marvel at the kind of parent that would let their 14 year old son have his own speedboat) Right. Do you know how many people have been killed by stingrays in your ENTIRE LIFETIME???

Kid: No.

Lili: ONE. ONE MAN WHO WAS PROBABLY TRYING TO PASH THE STINGRAY*. Now bugger off.

Kid's Girlfriend: If I get in the water, can I look at it through your snorkel?

Lili: Sure.

Kid's Girlfriend peels off her sundress to reveal the kind of body that I know I didn't have when I was 14. And still don't have. Bitch.

She gets in the water, looks at the stingray. Her boyfriend? Won't move off the jetty. Is that his knees knocking together I see? Is that a puddle of terrified urine I see gathering at his feet? Or is it just the last trickle of his overblown pre-pubescent masculinity running down his inner thigh?

__________

*I am not without blame when it comes to pashing sea-creatures. At one point earlier in the day the man showing us the marine life of the Mornington Peninsula fished out an abalone and explained that it was a gastropod (stomach and leg), and then stuck it on my snorkel mask and made an entirely lame joke about it now being an eye-pod. Except the abalone was obviously feeling frisky and schlooped its way down off my mask and gave me a bigsloppy one right on the kisser. It wasn't bad. Beggars can't be choosers.

Icehouse, qu'est que c'est?

i have Moved House. and i finally have civilised things like internet. and a phone. and a glass splashback.

and a Fabulous Magic Machine with elves inside. it is the Best Thing Ever. you put dirty dishes inside, give the elves some Elvish Crack and then they MAKE THE DISHES CLEAN FOR YOU!!

it's amazing. seriously. revolutionary.

Speaking of cool houses, who remembers the 80s band Icehouse? (how's that for a segue? huh? huh?)

Fronted by Iva Davies, with such hits as Electric Blue, We Can Get Together and Great Southern Land.

Well, my dad's best friend was the lead guitarist in Icehouse. If we were the sort of family that had godparents, he would be my godfather.

After the band broke up, he moved to LA, where he lived on a boat and made wigs for Hollywood films. He left us most of his crap in boxes, including a framed platinum album for Man of Colours. We did what any close, loving friends would do, and hung it in the toilet.

And there it stayed, for several years, until I asked my mum one day if it would play on a turntable. We pried open the frame, and stuck it on our record player. it was green pool felt on one side, shiny silver record on the other.

It did play.

But not an Icehouse song.

It played Psycho Killer by Talking Heads.

Go figure.

I'm dreaming of a...

...White Christmas...
No, wait. Not dreaming. It actually IS white. Last week it was the hottest night on record ever for Melbourne. Today our backyard is white with hail. It's freezing!

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Colour me underwhelmed.

What is a Hallow, anyway?

Christmas Comes Early

So. Excited.

(and it's on my birthday, too!)

Christmas Fun for All the Family

I stole this idea from someone else's blog, but I cannot for the life of me remember which or whose. So apologies, whoever you are, and thanks.

I had some very dear friends over for a pre-Christmas Christmas dinner on the weekend: pudding, turkey, ham, singing - the lot. And with each Christmas cracker, each friend got a little parcel full of crafty items like googly eyes, ribbon, bells and pipe-cleaners. And they had to use all these things, PLUS whatever they got in their cracker, to make their Christmas Hats. Here are the results, with apologies for some really terrible photography:

Byron, "Suspended Babies":

Canoe, "Watching Bingo":

Jelly, "Jungle Dominos":

The Munkey "Googly Altar":

Snazzalicious "Cannibal Baby Throne":

and yours truly, "House of Eliot, Kindergarten Style"
Merry Christmas!

Shh!

It's not every day you meet a real live action figure. But today, we State Library staff were lucky enough for this lady to come and speak to us:

Her name is Nancy Pearl, and she is much better looking in real life. Her action figure outsells Beethoven's, Mozart's and Jesus'. Nancy is probably the most famous librarian in the world.

She talks about reading. More specifically, how to recommend books to people. The right books. This is what I learnt:

Don’t recommend books you love, just because you love them. Everyone has different taste.

So how do you know what to suggest?

Ask them this question: “tell me about a book you liked”. Don’t ask what the book is about, that’s a different question. The way that they answer will tell you a lot about what sort of thing they're looking for. Did they say "I couldn't put it down" or "I felt like I had always known the main character" or "It was like I was really there" or "it was just so beautifully written"?

Nancy says that there are 4 doors into reading: Story, Character, Setting and Language. People generally tend to enter books through one of those doors. If you enter through Story, then chances are you’ll enjoy other books that are primarily Story. Like The Da Vinci Code. Or Harry Potter. Or Stephen King.

Character readers will like Georgette Heyer, biographies, Bridget Jones.

Setting readers might like Bernard Cornwell. Or Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. Or William Gibson. Much fantasy falls into this category.

Language books have the smallest readership, but win the most awards. Here you’ll find A S Byatt, Salman Rushdie, Vikram Seth and Margaret Atwood. I’d also argue that you’d find Terry Pratchett, Jasper Fforde and PG Wodehouse here, too.

Some people might read, say, Master and Commander because they are a Character reader, and love the relationship between Aubrey and whatsisname (you know. Paul Bettany). But a Setting reader loves it because of the boats and the water and the history.

There are of course authors like Jane Austen and Tim Winton who have four equally sized doors. This is because they are awfully clever.

Try it. Write down five books you love, and figure out what door(s) you generally enter through. Here are mine.

1. The Last Samurai (Language, Character)
2. Alice in Wonderland (Setting)
3. Fire and Hemlock (Character, Story)
4. Love that Dog (Language)
5. Skellig (Language)

(This surprises me. I would have said I was more of a Story person.)

Tis the Season

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Neither. Don’t like dairy beverages.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Is there somewhere in the world where Santa doesn’t wrap presents? I mean, I know, the trees… but really...

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
White.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
I don’t think we have mistletoe in Australia (goes off to google). It’s a parasite! Spread around by the Mistle Thrush (I shit you not). We do have it in Australia: more than 240 species of birds that nest in foliage in Australia have been recorded nesting in mistletoe, representing more than 75% of the resident avifauna. (from wikipedia). The Norse God Baldur was killed with a weapon made from mistletoe. It is also known as the “vampire plant”.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Some time in the first week of December, and leave them up until Twelfth Night.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Everything. Turkey. Stuffing. Bread sauce. Gravy. Biodynamic organic ham. pudding on fire with rum custard. mince pies. trifle.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
Putting up the Christmas tree listening to A Disney Family Christmas on CD. I still do this every year.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I barged in on my mother in the shower, aged 7, and demanded that she had to tell me the truth. She said she couldn’t lie to me.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
No.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Fairy lights, gold and red baubles, and lots of little bits and pieces collected over the years. Most recent additions: a Tweedledee and Tweedledum from the Sheep Shop in Oxford, and a glittery little HMS Victory from St Paul’s.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Love it. Unfortunately not much of it around in Australia in December. But I did have one beautiful white Christmas in the Japanese mountains at a hot springs resort one year… but really, I like the complete incongruity of eating pudding and roast beast when it’s 36 degrees outside…

12. Can you ice skate?
Yes, but not very well. I don’t really see much point in going round and round in circles until some fat kid barrels into you and knocks you down.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
My grandpa hand-made me an amazing dollshouse one year. Later on, my parents made me give it to my younger cousins, and they trashed it and left it out on their porch in the rain. I rescued it, and spent a large part of my last year of high school lovingly restoring it*. It now has fancy tiny wallpaper and tiny plaster ceiling roses and a fireplace that really lights up.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Food. Also family, but only if there’s food.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Pudding. We make ours in November, and I regularly open them up and pour in more rum. They are deadly.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Making a full traditional Christmas dinner for my friends the week before Christmas, where we sing carols, drink far too much and watch The Muppet Christmas Carol.

17. What tops your tree?
A red and gold angel called Poppet Fancypants. Last year a spider crawled up her skirt and made a nest.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving. I know that sounds very selfless of me, but it’s really all about me. I love the praise when I pick the perfect present. I also like wrapping things fancily.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Favourite Carol is O Holy Night. Favourite songs are Sleigh Ride, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and One More Sleep Til Christmas.

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
I like them in theory. But they give me a tummy ache.

(I stole this meme from a number of people. You know who you are.)

____________________________________________________
*That makes me sound like I was very boring in Year 12. For the record: I also had a boyfriend, went out nearly every weekend and drank a reasonable amount of beer. See? You can be cool and interested in Craft at the same time. True story.

Smoke and Sesame

There's something very unnerving about the smell of bushfire smoke. It's 37 degrees celsius today, and 170 000 hectares of Victoria are on fire. It's not a cloudy day, but you can't see the sky for smoke. It's setting off people's smoke alarms even in the inner city.

I'm trying to put the finishing touches on this last draft of my novel, but it's hard when it's so hot, and the smoke is making my eyes water.

So I thought I'd take a minute to say a few words about a documentary I watched recently, called The World According to Sesame Street.

It's about all the different versions of Sesame Street all over the world - there are 120 - and how Sesame Street tries to provide education to all kids - not just ones in privileged countries.

It was a seriously revolutionary idea, back in 1968, that TV could actually teach kids stuff. Joan Ganz Cooney had the wacky thought that you could use advertising techniques to help kids learn, "instead of selling them soda or candy, we're selling them the alphabet". She approached Jim Henson to come on board with his Muppets, and an international sensation was born. 4134 episodes (and 109 Emmys) of American Sesame Street later, it's one of the most successful, popular, critically acclaimed and long-running TV shows of all time.

It seems an incredibly un-American thing, the way that Sesame Workshop works with other countries to form a new, unique Sesame Street, tailor-made to appeal to the kids of that country. Whether it's incorporating traditional hand-puppets in the Bangladeshi Sisimpur, or introducing Kami, an HIV positive muppet in South Africa's Takalani Sesame, or exploring race relations and promoting tolerance in Kosovo's Rruga Sesam (Albanian) and Ulica Sezam (Serbian). This isn't about imposing American popular culture on the rest of the world, it's about taking a good idea and adapting it to suit each country's requirements.

"The only kids who can identify along racial lines with the Muppets have to be either green or orange."
--Jim Henson

The documentary itself wasn't fantastic. There was far too much footage of grownups in meetings, and not nearly enough of kids, and how watching Sesame Street has influenced them.

I read a great story about an Israeli/Palestinian Sesame pilot, in Jim Henson's time. They asked some Israeli children what they would do if they saw a Palestinian child in their street. The kids replied "I would throw stones at him". They showed the kids this Sesame pilot, and asked the same question. The kids replied "I would go and play with him".

It's these sorts of stories that give you hope for the future. And brilliant documentary or no, I spent most of The World According to Sesame Street with tears running down my face.

You rock, Sesame Workshop people. You are doing more for our children and their future than any politician is.

Text Appeal

We held our first literary speed dating event last night, and it rocked.

50 people of all ages, temperaments, genders and sexual orientation came in and met new people, drank some wine and talked about books.

The vibe was amazing. Really amazing. It felt like we were doing a really good thing - bringing people together over their love of literature. Isn't that what it's all about, folks?

Anyway, we're tallying the responses today and hopefully we'll have some bona fide romances!

For the interested, here is the list of what books everyone brought:

BOYS
Housekeeping by M Robinson
Everyday Zen by C Joko Beck
Archy's Life of Mehitabel by Don Marquis
Third Reich by R J Evans
Magician by R Feist
Story of O by P Reage (yeah, someone really brought it)
Michael Palin: Diaries
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by J S Foer
Norwegian Wood by H Murakami
Give the Anarchist a Cigarette by M Farren
On the Ceiling by E Chevillard
The Family of Man by E Steichen
The Rattle Bag by T Hughes
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
A Merry Dance Around the Work by Eric Newby
The Time Traveller's Wife by A Niffenegger
Daywalks around Melbourne
Metamorphosis by F Kafka
The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelley
On Beauty by Z Smith
Book of Longing by Leonard Cohen

GIRLS
Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding
About a Boy by Nick Hornby
The Kinky Friedman Crime Club by K Friedman
The Accidental by A Smith
Slaughterhouse 5 by K Vonnegut
A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth
The Plague by Albert Camus
Venetian Stories by J T Rylands
The Alchemist by Paulo Cohelo
Bravemouth by P Stevenson
The Broken Shore by P Temple
Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse
Every Day a New Beginning by S Dowrick
My Brother Jack by G Johnston
THUD by T Pratchett
The Little Prince by A Saint-Exupery
Only Forward by Michael Marshall Smith
The Hero and the Crown by R McKinley
The Passion by J Winterson
The Inheritance of Loss by K Desai
The Telling by U LeGuin
Momo by Michael Ende

Stella Gibbons's novel Cold Comfort Farm is a masterpiece

That's the opening line of this article in the Guardian.

And it is so very, very true.

Cold Comfort Farm is one of my very most favouritest books. I have no idea why it isn't on my books interests thing for this blog. I must rectify that.

If you have seen the film, but not read the book: forget about the film. The film is a light, insubstantial piece of cinematic fluff. The book is a hilarious, biting satire that really, really is a masterpiece.

I was first introduced to CCF via a radio play which my Mum bought me on cassette. It was very funny, so I bought the book.

The thing that neither radio play nor film mention, is that CCF is set in the future. Except it was written in 1932, but set maybe in the 40s. Stella predicted video-phones (but only in public phone boxes, and mostly people still send telegrams), air-taxis (but most people still travel by horse-and-buggy or car), and World War Two (but only in a brief mention). It's quite confusing, because everything else about the novel is very vintagely 30s. It's also fascinating and hilarous.

So go read it. Please. And if possible, read it out loud to a friend. With funny voices.

(some favourite moments)

'It is quite unneccesary for a young woman to resemble St Francis of Assisi. And in your case it would be downright suicidal.'

Aunt Ada Doom: I saw something nasty in the woodshed!
Mr Neck: Did it see you?

Flora: I think if I find that I have any cousins called Seth or Rueben, I shall decide not to go.
Mary: Why?
Flora: Because highly sexed young men living on farms are nearly always called Seth or Rueben. And it would be such a nuisance!

How to Edit Your Novel

8am: get out of bed, eat breakfast, shower, read some book (not mine).

9am: sit down in front of computer.

9:01: check email

9:05: bid on camper boots on ebay

9:08: check bloglines

9:30 check work email

9:31 open word document containing novel

9:32 get on research tangent involving wikipedia

10:00 morning tea. read book (not mine).

10:30 discuss colour of skirting boards with father

10:35 play with puppy

10:45 sit down in front of computer

10:46 check email, bloglines, work email and ebay items again

11:05 check christmas music in iTunes - create playlist

11:15 look at novel. feel sick.

11:17 do word count. feel better.

11:19 talk to mother about how many mince pies will need to be made this year

11:30 clean bedroom

12:30 lunch. read book (not mine).

1:00 think about decorating new flat. pull out things to be framed.

1:30 go to framing shop to discuss framing

2:30 go and look in bookshop. don't have my book. scowl at innocent shop assistant.

3:00 inspect skirting boards at new flat. approve of new colour.

3:15 back home, afternoon tea (cake). read book (not mine).

3:30 check email, bloglines, work email. have won ebay item. do paypal thing.

3:45 get christmas tree down from shed annexe.

4:00 put up christmas tree. listen to frank sinatra and disney christmas mix.

5:00 sit down at computer. open novel. check that all chapter headings are formatted the same.

5:30 decide to make timeline. look around for biro.

5:45 find biro.

6:00 write "timeline" at top of blank sheet of paper.

6:03 chew biro

6:04 fill mouth with ink.

6:20 emerge from bathroom, tasting listerine.

6:21 mother announces dinner is ready.

7:00 watch abc news.

7:30 play with puppy.

8:00 write stupid blog post.

8:15 ??? we shall see...

Of rattlesnakes and ruby slippers

I ran down some stairs today, and one of my shoes slipped off and stayed behind. Just like Cinderella. Except they were red shoes, so maybe it's more like Dorothy, or that poppet from the Andersen story. Which means that a) I'll live happily ever after (like Cinderella), and b) I will be cruelly punished for looking beyond my narrow sphere of existence (like Dorothy and the poppet). Nice.

In other news, my mother has won the Kalbacher Klapperschlange . Yeah, I think it sounds rude too. But it's the German Children's Choice Award. (A Klapperschlange is a rattlesnake). The Germans are clearly nuts about dragons, because Christopher Paolini and Cornelia Funke have won it in the past... So, go Mum!

(can I have my dinner now?)

democracy is coming

After discharging my democratic duty on Saturday, I came home and picked up Wide Awake, by David Levithan.

What an apt choice, for an election day.

The book is set in the (hopefully) not-too-distant future, the day after the first gay Jewish president of the USA has been voted in. In this future world, the war and the terror and the fear got very very bad. It got so bad that finally people said 'stop'. And then came the Jesus Revolution, where the answer to the ultimate question (What Would Jesus Do?) was answered. The answer was, Jesus would wave around the love, the compassion, the understanding. Regardless of who you are. There's no 'unless' that comes after 'love thy neighbour'.

So it was the Christians who saved the day, in the end. And other people joined them in their
message of love and peace and tolerance. And so the gay Jewish president was elected.

Except some official people in Kansas didn't like that (because no matter how good things get, there's always going to be some redneck fuckers out there), and they demanded a recount. So Stein (gayjewishpresidentelect) asks everyone who voted for him to come to Kansas and prove it. So they did. Millions and millions of them.

And I thought about that, sitting in the sun reading. And I thought about how excited I get when I watch the West Wing, and how it makes me so goddamn proud to be an American, even though a) I'm not an American and b) I spend most of my time spitting vitriol at the current American government. And I thought about how I felt when I voted.

And I felt sad. I wish there was a politician or political party in this country that I could get that excited about. I wish there was someone I believed in so utterly that I'd drop everything and go to Kansas just to show the world that I care.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to turn into a rant. So stop reading this and go read books by David Levithan. He has an awesome ability to tell you about how crap our world is, not by whinging about it, but by showing you how great the world would be if things were different. It's a positive and beautiful way of trying to change the world.

What kind of reader are you?

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Literate Good Citizen
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

(i stole this from emma)

Text Appeal

I found love in a book and now I'm looking for someone to share it with.


Looking for love this summer? Bring a favourite or recently read book to literary speed dating at the State Library of Victoria. As the wine and conversation flow you may begin your own chapter with that someone special.

Dec 6 2006, Jan 17 and Feb 14 2007
7 – 8.30pm
$20 per session (drinks included)
THREE people for the price of TWO
E XPE R IME D I A
State Library of Victoria
328 Swanston Street
Melbourne

Bookings and registrations 8664 7555 or learning@slv.vic.gov.au
Registation forms can be downloaded slv.vic.gov.au/programs/events

Where do you get your ideas from?

Ahh, that timeless chestnut. Well I have an answer, along with an explanatory photostory.

The secret is this: I get my ideas from my puppy.

What follows is a small extract from a draft of Scatterheart, with photos of how I got the idea.

Frothing at the mouth, the dogs made straight for the bear, slashing at its side with their teeth in a manic frenzy.


The crowd cried out with joy as red blood was splashed onto the ice. The bear whipped around, quicker than Hannah would have believed possible, swatting at the dogs with a great clawed paw.


One of them was tossed across the ring, yelping in pain, but it sprang back to its feet again and resumed its attack.


Fur was torn from flesh, and blood flowed freely.


See? It's that simple. All you need is a puppy, and some interesting props.