INT Thai Restaurant, afternoon. Adelaide.
LILI, MUM and GRANDMA are putting out place-cards at the table. A WAITRESS is doing something with prawn crackers.
GRANDMA
We can’t put Barbara and Ley on that side of the
table, because they won’t be able to get out with
their walking-sticks.
MUM
But if we put them there, then Auntie Peg won’t be
able to talk to Mary.
GRANDMA
But if Peg is there, then she’ll have to sit next to
Dennis, and she won’t like that.
WAITRESS
I don’t have a grandma.
LILI
If Mum and I are round there, we’ll have to clamber
over everyone to get out and make our speech
and run the slideshow.
GRANDMA
But if Kat and Brian are there, they won’t be able
to go outside to smoke.
LILI
So?
WAITRESS
My grandma is in Cambodia. I never met her.
MUM
Put us on the end.
GRANDMA
Make sure you’re next to your Dad, Carole.
MUM
Wouldn’t it be better if you were next to me?
GRANDMA
Why?
MUM
Because you talk so much, and you’re stuck in the
corner. Dad never talks to anyone, and he’s in
the middle.
LILI
So why don’t we move them over there?
WAITRESS
You’re so lucky to have a grandma.
GRANDMA
No, because we can’t move Barbara and Ley.
It can’t be done.
The WAITRESS starts to cry.
MUM
So let’s just swap you and Dad.
LILI
But then it won’t be gender-balanced! For the love
of God, it has to be boy-girl!
SILENCE, except for the choking sobs of the WAITRESS.
3 comments:
What did you guys do for the waitress?
Oh DEAR.
It reads like a film, Lili.
yeah. i didn't even get to the bit where my 89 year old grandfather got so tanked that he was sick in the restaurant and then in the corridor and then in the bathroom and then in the gutter and then in the car and then back at home. so tanked, in fact, that he VOMITED UP HIS DENTURES.
it was a great night, really.
Post a Comment